Wake up each morning
Focus… get to work on time
Drop off Annalise
Pray that my mom looks fine
Next stop, kisses goodbye to Nikolai
Alone on my way to work,
Should I listen to music, or just drive?
I choose to listen & remember and feel
“How Great Thou Art”
Your funeral song, so heat wrenching, so real
Pounding the steering wheel while I scream your name
Already in the work parking lot
I was only 11minutes away
Wipe away my tears, take a few deep breaths
Grab my coffee and bags, wondering if I look like a mess
Shove the thoughts aside
Smile and wave hello
Walk into my classroom
ready to put on a show
Your picture is on my desk
I read the quotes every day
I talk of my family
As if you didn’t pass away
Teach my classes,
Present an idea at team
Help my co-teachers with an email
But it’s not as easy as it seems.
I want to remind everyone that my brother passed away
I want to remind everyone what I think about every single day
It’s not fair that my grief has no impact on anyone else
The sadness they felt for me can now be tucked away in box on a shelf
I do my job, I smile and make everyone else feel secure
The grief that is tearing at my heart I keep behind closed doors.
No one has to worry that I might ruin their day
No one has to be nervous about the sad things I might say
Work is over… an hour to myself
Avoid the cemetery at all costs
Shop, hair, nails, ANYTHING to distract myself from this loss
But the memories & images always flood my mind
My body trembles and I whisper “Is God really this unkind?”
Pick up the kids, dinner, laundry, then I’m done
Not wishing this on anyone else but always asking, “Why did you have to be the one?”
10pm, Whispering in bed
Asking you to be by my side,
and then EVERY NIGHT
jolted awake
Remembering that you died.
fstef726 