You may see me at the store

You may see me out with friends

You may see me hug and kiss my kids

You may see me laugh again

You will not see my pounding heart

Or the beating of my chest

You will not see my shaky hands

Or the shortness of my breath

You may hear me talk of nonsense

Or tell a funny joke

But you will not feel the pain in my heart this morning when I woke

But I appreciate your kindness

I appreciate your love

I appreciate your compassion

And I welcome all your hugs

My heart is consumed with love and ache

My heart is consumed with grief

My mind is consumed with questions, shock, and disbelief

You may not see the tears that flow so quickly to my eyes

Instead you’ll see my hesitant smile that is my new disguise

When you ask me how I’m doing I may often say, “OK”…

But that’s only because I whispered

“Faith over Fear”

A million times that day

When I look at all the pictures

So many emotions come my way

They keep him alive & breathing

But then the truth takes my breath away

This didn’t happen to us,

Not to my family

Not to the Narciscos

Frank, Sandy, Anthony, Dominic & Francine

My parents’ story doesn’t include burying their son

Their Dominicky, nicky – noo

The joke… they’re favorite one

The three of us as siblings,

Just so naturally close

Never forced, always together,

We loved each other the most

I was always in the middle

With both of my brothers on my side

Smiling, laughing, dancing and filled with so much pride

“Keep the memories alive,”

That’s what I often hear

“They will bring you peace and comfort

As you hold them dear…”

But I grieve for how our life once was

I grieve for our yesterdays

I grieve for the future and

For how we could have spent our days

The longing for his presence will simply never subside

I won’t get over his death, but I will move forward with him inside

Inside my heart

Inside my mind

Inside my smile

Inside the signs

He always said that the future is so bright

So I must live that life for him and take comfort in his light

Yesterday I woke up and the pain wasn’t quite as bad
It’s almost as if I could tell myself this was all a part of God’s plan

Yesterday I found some comfort and peace of mind
I could find my faith and trust in the will of the Divine

Yesterday I smiled thinking of the huge impact that he had
Yesterday his legacy helped me not to be so mad 

Yesterday I listened and sang along to his favorite song 
Yesterday the “rest of my life” didn’t feel quite so long 

Yesterday I looked at my favorite picture of him smiling back at me
Yesterday I heard Anthony telling me “Fran, now he’s free”

Yesterday I told myself he was simply too good for this earth 
Yesterday I took solace in his life’s value and his life’s worth 

Yesterday I told myself he would always know my kids 
He would watch and he would guide them and he would know everything they did 

Yesterday I understood that he must have figured out life 
He knew how to do good & spread love despite his personal strife 

Yesterday I didn’t spend my entire day asking “Why”
I sent my heart up Heaven and raised my
Head up to the sky 

Yesterday I found the strength to carry on
To “accept” that he had to go but he would never really be gone 

Today, though, I can’t say that I feel the same way
Because all that courage, faith and strength, well… that was yesterday 

Frankie Giovanni

May you always know

How much your daddy loves you

And he will always walk besides you wherever you may go

You are his inspiration

You are his MVP

And when he was with you,

There was no where else he’d rather be

“Daddy time is the best time”

That’s what he always said

You’d play for hours and hours and then snuggle up in bed

He knew the names of all your dinosaurs

He knew the names of all your cars

And wherever your daddy went,

You were never off that far

He took you to the park

He took you to the pool

He took you to every Dinosaur Land he could find

He hugged & kissed you before you went to school

“Everything I do, I do it for my son”

Those were your daddy’s words

You are his number one

The way he would hug and kiss you

Was such a special sight to see

He was oh so very proud of you

He loved being your daddy

“Keep chasing greatness”

“You’re such a special boy”

He always wanted to pump you up

You brought him so much joy

He was in awe of your imagination

Always creating something new

Always saying “Daddy, look!”

He’d encourage you to do anything you wanted to

He taught you how to swing a bat

And how to kick a ball

He taught you patience, determination

And told you to never give up if you fall

You were always on his shoulders

You were always in his arms

You were always playing with your daddy

You were always his good luck charm

He would take you to the lake

And teach you how to skip rocks

And then he’s teach you every sport he knew

You know your daddy was quite the jock!

You made homemade pizzas together on Friday night

And then you’d watch Dinotrucks or have a pillow fight

Always up for an adventure together

That’s who your daddy was

And those adventures will continue

As he guides you from above

Frankie Giovanni

May you always know

How much your daddy loves you

And he will always walk besides you wherever you may go

I’ m in complete denial

I don’t accept that this is true

My brother is alive and breathing

Teaching, coaching, living … like we all do

I see his bright smile,

I see his mischievous grin

I see him pump his players up

I see him shout out as they win

I see him at the playground

Backpack full of snacks

I see him call for Annalise

I see Frankie on his back

I hear his voice so clearly

I hear him call my name

I hear him say “Gwee Kim… what do you want to do today?”

I feel his body hug me

I feel his arms as we dance

I smell his tree tea oil

I see his powerful stance

He is so alive to me

So vivid in my mind

I see all of his mannerisms

I see him being kind

I see him walk through the door

Big bins full of toys

I see him make a martini and then have a cigar with my dad & the boys

I see him dance the Cha-Cha slide and then read the kids a book

I see Annalise and Frankie sitting on his lap giving him a loving look

I hear him tell me loves me and he admires who I am

I see him goof with Anthony, his brother and best friend

I hear him tell his stories always followed by a laugh

I see his scar he got from a branch that was in his path

I see his car in front of my house whenever I drive down the street

I see his excitement when Lauren and I finally got to meet

I’ m in complete denial

I don’t accept that this is true

My brother is alive and breathing

Teaching, coaching, living … like we all do

What does grief look like?

Is there one right way to grieve?

Do your actions need to match what your heart can’t seem to believe?

Grief is a wily one

One that changes every day

Grief makes you question if you’re doing it the right way

Some days you wake up

Feeling sorta okay

Feeling like you can control the pain

Like you won’t cry the entire day

Other times you simply cannot breathe

You whisper to yourself,

“I can’t believe that this tragedy really happened to me”

Grief could look like a laugh

It could even look like a smile

It could be a great day with friends

And that happy feeling might even last a while

But then the truth comes barreling back into your heart

And grief then reappears like a lightning bolt ripping you apart

Grief is a teardrop forever ready to fall down your cheek

Grief is that breath you need to take before you speak

Grief is a pebble that’s forever in your shoe

Scratching & aching no matter what you do

You’ll always feel it there, even if you’re “walking” fine

You’ll tell yourself “At least the memories will always be mine”

Grief fills you up with pride

As your remember his legacy

But then Grief can make you sob uncontrollably

Grief makes you listen to that one song on repeat

Grief can also make you wish you’d never hear another song beat

Grief makes you grip his necklace so tightly in your hand

Grief makes you want to buy all of his favorite brands

Grief then allows you talk about him openly

To share his stories and say his name and think of him fondly

Grief might even allow you to have some fun in his name

To dance and eat his favorite food and play his favorite game

But then grief strikes hard again and all you want to do is scream

You want to pull your hair and throw things and wail over the shattered dreams

Sometimes grief is extra tricky and allows you to block things out

To ignore that pain, that truth, that ache

And allow yourself to be out and about

Grief is being surrounded by people but then a daze goes over your eyes

Your mind is someplace else and you’re constantly looking for signs

Grief doesn’t always look like a face full of tears Or even watery red eyes

Grief might simply look like exhaustion, irritability or countless sighs

Grief is a powerful force

ALWAYS hovering above

But there’s no denying that where there is Grief …

There is proof of LOVE

Wake up each morning

Focus… get to work on time

Drop off Annalise

Pray that my mom looks fine

Next stop, kisses goodbye to Nikolai

Alone on my way to work,

Should I listen to music, or just drive?

I choose to listen & remember and feel

“How Great Thou Art”

Your funeral song, so heat wrenching, so real

Pounding the steering wheel while I scream your name

Already in the work parking lot

I was only 11minutes away

Wipe away my tears, take a few deep breaths

Grab my coffee and bags, wondering if I look like a mess

Shove the thoughts aside

Smile and wave hello

Walk into my classroom

ready to put on a show

Your picture is on my desk

I read the quotes every day

I talk of my family

As if you didn’t pass away

Teach my classes,

Present an idea at team

Help my co-teachers with an email

But it’s not as easy as it seems.

I want to remind everyone that my brother passed away

I want to remind everyone what I think about every single day

It’s not fair that my grief has no impact on anyone else

The sadness they felt for me can now be tucked away in box on a shelf

I do my job, I smile and make everyone else feel secure

The grief that is tearing at my heart I keep behind closed doors.

No one has to worry that I might ruin their day

No one has to be nervous about the sad things I might say

Work is over… an hour to myself

Avoid the cemetery at all costs

Shop, hair, nails, ANYTHING to distract myself from this loss

But the memories & images always flood my mind

My body trembles and I whisper “Is God really this unkind?”

Pick up the kids, dinner, laundry, then I’m done

Not wishing this on anyone else but always asking, “Why did you have to be the one?”

10pm, Whispering in bed

Asking you to be by my side,

and then EVERY NIGHT

jolted awake

Remembering that you died.

To ignore the meaning of this day would be to forget Dom was out best friend

To ignore the meaning of this day would be admit that love comes to an end

So we embrace each other and hold each other tight

And we cling to happy memories of family with all our might

To not show gratitude would be to discredit his name

To not feel blessed would simply be a shame

Dominic showed his appreciation

Dominic let you know

Dom said, “You’re the man and I love you more than I could ever show.”

So we smile, and cry, and dance and toast

And speak Dom’s name as someone we all miss the most.

Our souls feel his spirit

Our hearts feel his love

Our faith tells us he is celebrating with us from above

So on this Thanksgiving we can still feel “thankful, grateful, blessed,”

For the love and gratitude we have for our Dominic simply is the best.

There aren’t any pictures of the tears or the broken dreams

You won’t see a picture of me at the cemetery, still in denial, rocking on my knees.

There aren’t any pictures of the dining room table and the empty chair

A photograph can’t capture the obvious pain of Dom not seated there.

There wasn’t a picture of the barren spot underneath the Christmas tree

The missing presents and memories we should have shared with Dominic & Frankie.

No one took out their camera in the church on Christmas Eve

As we stood there, silently crying, trying to be unseen as we grieve.

There isn’t a picture of my mom and me in the bathroom hysterical with tears,

While everyone else kissed and hugged as they shouted “Happy New Year!”

You won’t see a selfie of me after I’ve been in the shower crying,

There’s no camera around to witness me lying on the couch thinking of Dom dying.

There’s no picture of me lighting the candle every night,

Or of me looking up at the sky searching for signs of Dom’s light.

The photos of my night out stop once I’m home.

When my friends are gone, my family’s asleep, but I’m still awake all alone.

The camera didn’t make it with me down the basement steps,

It didn’t record me sobbing, feeling angry distressed.

The pictures that do exist only show the good

They show my blessings, my faith and strength

They show me doing as I “should.”

So please don’t be fooled when you see only what the camera takes.

For while all of that IS REAL, there’s also a lot of sadness and pain in the outtakes

Time doesn’t heal

My grief will never end

I won’t get over Dom’s death

It lives besides me everyday like a new best friend.

These unseen photos are my truth

Alongside with what everyone sees

The world is made up of unseen photos,

Our lives are not always as they seem.

Thanks for joining me!

Good company in a journey makes the way seem shorter. — Izaak Walton